Apologize

This one is named after the song by The Honorary Title.
To preface this entry, I'd like whoever is going to be reading this to know that I don't have anyone specific in mind, it's based merely on observation.

I was inspired to write this particular entry by two things:
1) conversations with one of my best friends earlier today
2) the blog said friend wrote about an hour ago

What I put into things, I usually expect to get exactly the same thing back. Especially with my friends. It's basically Newton's third Law of Motion applied to friendships. But it doesn't always work like that.

It makes sense, right? Everyone has friends who they feel don't care about them. Those friends may say they care about you, but their actions don't show it. Believe me when I say this: actions speak louder than words.

So, pay attention to your friendships. If you notice friendships are dwindling or becoming less than what they used to be, maybe the problem is you. If you don't want the friendship to continue, that's fine. Every song has to end sometime, right? But if you care about the person and want them to continue being in your life, do something about it. The problem could be them, of course, but if it isn't, don't just sit around and expect them to do all the work. Friendships, any relationship for that matter, take effort. Remember that.

Sideways

Off balance doesn't even begin to describe how I've been feeling for the last couple months. I've had to really decide what I want to do and if I want to continue on with the major I committed to a year ago. Yes, there was a big reason for my re-evaluating, but I don't want to get into it. It wasn't until I was sitting in the audience at Gershwin Theater waiting for Wicked to begin, and hearing the first few notes that I knew I was making a mistake. I was instantly tearing up and by the finale I had tears streaming down my face. Music affects me that much.

The uncertainty has extended further than just my career goals, though. I fear that in the last few months I have changed into the person I really and truly am, and that may have affected a couple of my friendships. One for the negative. It worries me. A lot. I'm a worrier. I've never pretended to be anything else, but it's started to be a very bad thing. I don't know how to fix it. I think it's past fixing right now.

One of Those Days

Joshua Radin calms my soul. When I have a bunch of things going on at once and thoughts tumbling around my head, I can always count on his music to slow the world down and give me a chance to breathe.

Today has been one of those days. I woke up feeling fine. I actually got to sleep in half an hour later than usual. I got full credit for my story in ASL even. But I have not been able to shake feeling unworthy and insecure today. We all have those days. I really just want to crawl in my bed and not be disturbed by anyone. I want to write for hours and forget about the final I have to study for. I just want everything that worries me, annoys me, frustrates me to go away. I'm tired of overthinking everything and wondering what if? I wish I could just tell my brain to shut off and let everything go. Unfortunately, it's not that easy.

For the last couple weeks (well actually, if I'm being honest, years), I've been holding grudges. I never really noticed I was a grudge holder, but recently, I haven't been able to let go of people's trangressions against me. Part of me wonders if it's my fault that they did the wrongdoing. It's one of those things that I let happen and just forgive all the time, so does that make it seem like it's ok to just keep hurting me? I really don't know. Maybe it's time I step back and reassess. I've been doing that with most things lately, so I might as well add this one to the list.

Elsewhere

I'm a daydreamer. I always have been. I can sit in silence for hours at a time and get lost in my thoughts and imagination. I think about things I want to happen, things I wish would happen. I play out different scenarios to try and figure the outcome before I take any action. Anything can happen in my head. Anything is possible. But then I'm taken back to reality and everything shifts from what I think and what I want to what everyone else expects and demands of me.

I've always considered myself to be a pretty independent person. I've chased independence actually. When it's come to big decisions though, I don't typically make them myself. I rely on the people close to me to help me make decisions I should make on my own. It's like I feel like I'm going to screw up if I don't have help from other people with stuff like that. Maybe that's because if I have help from other people, I can blame it on someone else if I fail. It's easier to lay blame on other people than yourself.

I talk about how much I want to be on my own and I want to be living life the way I want to, but it scares me. Being on my own scares the hell out of me, but I am getting so restless these days that I have to do something. So what's my next step? I'm most likely transferring schools and adding another major onto my plate. I have lived in the same place for 12 (almost 13) years and I haven't had an opportunity to be on my own and be away from my parents. Obviously it's scary because I'd be on my own, but it's something I have to do. For me. I need an opportunity to be on my own and live the way I want to. All I ask of anyone is to understand and let me do this for myself.

"Oh the quiet child awaits the day when she can break free
The mold that clings like desperation
Mother can’t you see I’ve got
To live my life the way I feel is right for me
Might not be right for you but it’s right for me...
I believe..."

Do It Again

The last two days have been about moving.

Moving up.

My sophomore year officially ended yesterday, making me a junior. Crazy. I now am half way through college. Two more years and I'm graduating. I can only imagine how I am going to feel this time next year when I'm finishing junior year.

Moving out.

Today I moved the rest of the stuff from my dorm room to my parents' house, where I will be staying for the summer. Not excited really. It was very bittersweet. I'm glad the year is over, but I'm at that point where I don't want to be moving back home. I want to keep my freedom and not have to answer to anyone and just live my life the way I want to. Unfortunately, that is not something I can expect when I'm home. It's frustrating. Extremely frustrating.

Moving on.

This is the one "moving" I really wanted to write about. For the last two weeks, I've been trying to figure out certain aspects of my life. I've come to the realization that some things would be so much easier if I were one way or the other. If I acted or thought a certain way. I keep trying to be someone that I think people want me to be, which is exhausting. I need to make decisions for myself, do what I want to do, and not worry about how other people are seeing me. It's my life and I need to take back control of it.

I'm not entirely sure what all "moving on" entails, but I know that I need to become stronger. I need to be more comfortable with who I am and not try to hide anything about me just because I think someone might not like it. A lot of this has come from me thinking about the past. I've kind of been stuck in it lately and missing people and how things used to be. Living in the past only makes you wonder "what if?" The past is the past, you can't do anything to change it now. All you can do is move on and hope that you make the right decisions in the future.

Dream

I'm hoping that at this point you all are starting to pick up on the fact that all of my titles of my blogs are song titles (with the exception of the first one, which was an artist's name). Most of those songs will give more insight into what's going on in my head than what I write. Today's inspiration: Dream by Priscilla Ahn.

For the last week or so, I've been feeling a little lost. I'm questioning every part of my life and all the big decisions I've made for myself so far. Maybe I'm just getting restless, which tends to happen when I feel like I could be doing something better with my life than going through 4-6 more years of school. I keep talking about all these "dreams" I have, i.e. music, but I'm just not sure if at the end of the day that is my true dream. It is definitely the one thing that consumes all of me and fulfills the voids, but when I stop playing or listening and just have the silence, everything is exactly the same as it was before the noise began.

"A dream is something that fills up the emptiness inside. The one thing that you know if it came true would make all the hurt go away." -Glee

Yes, I just outed myself as a gleek, but this line from last night's episode struck me hard. I have dreams of playing my trumpet for a living because it's what I love to do. If I didn't, I would be wasting my time right now, but I can't say honestly that ALL the hurt would go away if it came true. It would come with its own set of issues and problems I'd have to figure out. So now I'm trying to figure out what my true dream is, not just my goals. They are very different.

Shades of Grey

I was listening to Billy Joel's "Shades of Grey," and I really couldn't help thinking how true all of the lyrics really are, especially pertaining to my life right now.

Some things were perfectly clear, seen with the vision of youth
No doubts and nothing to fear, I claimed the corner on truth
These days it's harder to say I know what I'm fighting for
My faith is falling away
I'm not that sure anymore

Shades of grey wherever I go
The more I find out the less that I know
Black and white is how it should be
But shades of grey are the colors I see

It's pretty self-explanatory.