Say When

Life is all about choices. Choices that bring happiness, sadness, doubt, hope, success. The bad decisions you make, you try and lay the blame on other people, but you'll take credit for something that ends in good. Here's the bottom line: every choice you make is yours. Whether it ends in joy or despair, that's your burden. Own it.


It all began with a man and country
Every plan turns another century around again, another nation fallen

Maybe God can be on both sides of the gun
Never understood why some of us never get it so good, so good

Let It Be

It was only a matter of time before one of these things was named after a Beatles song...not only that but one of the most used and known Beatles songs.

The last two months have been a whirlwind...I hate that I haven't written since the middle of September. Honestly, I've just been way too busy and had way too much to say and couldn't find the words in the time that I did have. Things have slowed down just slightly in the last couple days, which is not always a good thing because my brain goes on overload and starts to think about all the things I've been avoiding by keeping busy.

Over the weekend, I went to Cheney to visit my best friend. I had a lot of fun, but it definitely woke me up to the fact that things are changing whether I want them to change or not. We're growing up and doing our own thing now. It isn't just about that friendship though. Everything has been changing way faster than I'm ready for and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. That's the part that frustrates me the most. There are so many things that are out of my control and as a control freak, I absolutely hate what is going on. I'm trying to teach myself to just stop planning ahead so much and take everything as it comes. To just "let it be."

And when the brokenhearted people
Living in the world agree
There will be an answer, let it be

For though they may be parted
There is still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be

Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Yeah, there will be an answer let it be

And So It Goes

In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

Apologize

This one is named after the song by The Honorary Title.
To preface this entry, I'd like whoever is going to be reading this to know that I don't have anyone specific in mind, it's based merely on observation.

I was inspired to write this particular entry by two things:
1) conversations with one of my best friends earlier today
2) the blog said friend wrote about an hour ago

What I put into things, I usually expect to get exactly the same thing back. Especially with my friends. It's basically Newton's third Law of Motion applied to friendships. But it doesn't always work like that.

It makes sense, right? Everyone has friends who they feel don't care about them. Those friends may say they care about you, but their actions don't show it. Believe me when I say this: actions speak louder than words.

So, pay attention to your friendships. If you notice friendships are dwindling or becoming less than what they used to be, maybe the problem is you. If you don't want the friendship to continue, that's fine. Every song has to end sometime, right? But if you care about the person and want them to continue being in your life, do something about it. The problem could be them, of course, but if it isn't, don't just sit around and expect them to do all the work. Friendships, any relationship for that matter, take effort. Remember that.

Sideways

Off balance doesn't even begin to describe how I've been feeling for the last couple months. I've had to really decide what I want to do and if I want to continue on with the major I committed to a year ago. Yes, there was a big reason for my re-evaluating, but I don't want to get into it. It wasn't until I was sitting in the audience at Gershwin Theater waiting for Wicked to begin, and hearing the first few notes that I knew I was making a mistake. I was instantly tearing up and by the finale I had tears streaming down my face. Music affects me that much.

The uncertainty has extended further than just my career goals, though. I fear that in the last few months I have changed into the person I really and truly am, and that may have affected a couple of my friendships. One for the negative. It worries me. A lot. I'm a worrier. I've never pretended to be anything else, but it's started to be a very bad thing. I don't know how to fix it. I think it's past fixing right now.

One of Those Days

Joshua Radin calms my soul. When I have a bunch of things going on at once and thoughts tumbling around my head, I can always count on his music to slow the world down and give me a chance to breathe.

Today has been one of those days. I woke up feeling fine. I actually got to sleep in half an hour later than usual. I got full credit for my story in ASL even. But I have not been able to shake feeling unworthy and insecure today. We all have those days. I really just want to crawl in my bed and not be disturbed by anyone. I want to write for hours and forget about the final I have to study for. I just want everything that worries me, annoys me, frustrates me to go away. I'm tired of overthinking everything and wondering what if? I wish I could just tell my brain to shut off and let everything go. Unfortunately, it's not that easy.

For the last couple weeks (well actually, if I'm being honest, years), I've been holding grudges. I never really noticed I was a grudge holder, but recently, I haven't been able to let go of people's trangressions against me. Part of me wonders if it's my fault that they did the wrongdoing. It's one of those things that I let happen and just forgive all the time, so does that make it seem like it's ok to just keep hurting me? I really don't know. Maybe it's time I step back and reassess. I've been doing that with most things lately, so I might as well add this one to the list.

Elsewhere

I'm a daydreamer. I always have been. I can sit in silence for hours at a time and get lost in my thoughts and imagination. I think about things I want to happen, things I wish would happen. I play out different scenarios to try and figure the outcome before I take any action. Anything can happen in my head. Anything is possible. But then I'm taken back to reality and everything shifts from what I think and what I want to what everyone else expects and demands of me.

I've always considered myself to be a pretty independent person. I've chased independence actually. When it's come to big decisions though, I don't typically make them myself. I rely on the people close to me to help me make decisions I should make on my own. It's like I feel like I'm going to screw up if I don't have help from other people with stuff like that. Maybe that's because if I have help from other people, I can blame it on someone else if I fail. It's easier to lay blame on other people than yourself.

I talk about how much I want to be on my own and I want to be living life the way I want to, but it scares me. Being on my own scares the hell out of me, but I am getting so restless these days that I have to do something. So what's my next step? I'm most likely transferring schools and adding another major onto my plate. I have lived in the same place for 12 (almost 13) years and I haven't had an opportunity to be on my own and be away from my parents. Obviously it's scary because I'd be on my own, but it's something I have to do. For me. I need an opportunity to be on my own and live the way I want to. All I ask of anyone is to understand and let me do this for myself.

"Oh the quiet child awaits the day when she can break free
The mold that clings like desperation
Mother can’t you see I’ve got
To live my life the way I feel is right for me
Might not be right for you but it’s right for me...
I believe..."