The last two days have been about moving.
Moving up.
My sophomore year officially ended yesterday, making me a junior. Crazy. I now am half way through college. Two more years and I'm graduating. I can only imagine how I am going to feel this time next year when I'm finishing junior year.
Moving out.
Today I moved the rest of the stuff from my dorm room to my parents' house, where I will be staying for the summer. Not excited really. It was very bittersweet. I'm glad the year is over, but I'm at that point where I don't want to be moving back home. I want to keep my freedom and not have to answer to anyone and just live my life the way I want to. Unfortunately, that is not something I can expect when I'm home. It's frustrating. Extremely frustrating.
Moving on.
This is the one "moving" I really wanted to write about. For the last two weeks, I've been trying to figure out certain aspects of my life. I've come to the realization that some things would be so much easier if I were one way or the other. If I acted or thought a certain way. I keep trying to be someone that I think people want me to be, which is exhausting. I need to make decisions for myself, do what I want to do, and not worry about how other people are seeing me. It's my life and I need to take back control of it.
I'm not entirely sure what all "moving on" entails, but I know that I need to become stronger. I need to be more comfortable with who I am and not try to hide anything about me just because I think someone might not like it. A lot of this has come from me thinking about the past. I've kind of been stuck in it lately and missing people and how things used to be. Living in the past only makes you wonder "what if?" The past is the past, you can't do anything to change it now. All you can do is move on and hope that you make the right decisions in the future.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Dream
I'm hoping that at this point you all are starting to pick up on the fact that all of my titles of my blogs are song titles (with the exception of the first one, which was an artist's name). Most of those songs will give more insight into what's going on in my head than what I write. Today's inspiration: Dream by Priscilla Ahn.
For the last week or so, I've been feeling a little lost. I'm questioning every part of my life and all the big decisions I've made for myself so far. Maybe I'm just getting restless, which tends to happen when I feel like I could be doing something better with my life than going through 4-6 more years of school. I keep talking about all these "dreams" I have, i.e. music, but I'm just not sure if at the end of the day that is my true dream. It is definitely the one thing that consumes all of me and fulfills the voids, but when I stop playing or listening and just have the silence, everything is exactly the same as it was before the noise began.
"A dream is something that fills up the emptiness inside. The one thing that you know if it came true would make all the hurt go away." -Glee
Yes, I just outed myself as a gleek, but this line from last night's episode struck me hard. I have dreams of playing my trumpet for a living because it's what I love to do. If I didn't, I would be wasting my time right now, but I can't say honestly that ALL the hurt would go away if it came true. It would come with its own set of issues and problems I'd have to figure out. So now I'm trying to figure out what my true dream is, not just my goals. They are very different.
For the last week or so, I've been feeling a little lost. I'm questioning every part of my life and all the big decisions I've made for myself so far. Maybe I'm just getting restless, which tends to happen when I feel like I could be doing something better with my life than going through 4-6 more years of school. I keep talking about all these "dreams" I have, i.e. music, but I'm just not sure if at the end of the day that is my true dream. It is definitely the one thing that consumes all of me and fulfills the voids, but when I stop playing or listening and just have the silence, everything is exactly the same as it was before the noise began.
"A dream is something that fills up the emptiness inside. The one thing that you know if it came true would make all the hurt go away." -Glee
Yes, I just outed myself as a gleek, but this line from last night's episode struck me hard. I have dreams of playing my trumpet for a living because it's what I love to do. If I didn't, I would be wasting my time right now, but I can't say honestly that ALL the hurt would go away if it came true. It would come with its own set of issues and problems I'd have to figure out. So now I'm trying to figure out what my true dream is, not just my goals. They are very different.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Shades of Grey

I was listening to Billy Joel's "Shades of Grey," and I really couldn't help thinking how true all of the lyrics really are, especially pertaining to my life right now.
Some things were perfectly clear, seen with the vision of youth
No doubts and nothing to fear, I claimed the corner on truth
These days it's harder to say I know what I'm fighting for
My faith is falling away
I'm not that sure anymore
Shades of grey wherever I go
The more I find out the less that I know
Black and white is how it should be
But shades of grey are the colors I see
It's pretty self-explanatory.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Missing You
I have a history of being someone who closes herself off and refuses to be vulnerable to anyone. The last person I let in completely was my best friend, and that was two years ago. In four months, he's going to college. While I know he's only going to be a six hour drive away, I still am starting to go through a minor freak out about it. He's being really sweet and trying to reassure me that nothing is going to change and in two years we'll be back in the same place. A lot can change in two years. A lot. It's not that I don't trust him, but there's no way a person can promise that things are going to stay the same. You just can't expect something like that.
Right now, it feels like I'm living with a ticking time bomb. Like in four months and twenty-three days, I lose my best friend. It's not what is really going to happen...I hope, but it definitely feels like it sometimes, and I'm a person who can't change the way they think about something when it's already gotten in my head a certain way. It's not fair to him, but I miss him already.
Right now, it feels like I'm living with a ticking time bomb. Like in four months and twenty-three days, I lose my best friend. It's not what is really going to happen...I hope, but it definitely feels like it sometimes, and I'm a person who can't change the way they think about something when it's already gotten in my head a certain way. It's not fair to him, but I miss him already.
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